The apprentice has become the master!

Alternative Daily Mail

What you wont see reported in The Daily Mail.

A Northern family claim no benefits and have prosperous jobs.

A Muslim preacher teaches tolerance for all faiths.

Football manager will be given time to build a team and rightly so.

Thousands of people come away happy with NHS treatment.

Tracksuit wearing Chav opens door for elderly lady.

Immigrant worker with no criminal record works hard and doesn't claim benefits.

Gay couple raise a child to be a perfectly happy, sane and valuable member of society.

Constantly reporting on someones weight causes eating disorders in some women.

Some drugs are okay for recreational use as long as in moderation, and Russel Brand has actually achieved a lot in his career.

The weather will be moderate and there will be no immediate need to build an Ark.

Use of telephoto lenses is rife in seemingly respectable news organizations.

Royal family are entitled to a private life, and we will not be showing any pictures of their holiday. Instead we will have a 14 page spread on tolerance and how to combat xenophobia.

Selfies of Kim Kardashian's butt are not news, but we will take a look at ourselves and our reporting.

Comedy Gold

Russian jets tried to enter UK airspace.  Maybe they wanted to deliver their Eurovision ballot early or they see us as the new Crimea.  Do you want Russian dolls for Christmas or an Xbox One?

Surgery in South Korea making people unrecognizable at customs. Ken and Barbie keep getting turned back.

George, Kate and Wills in Australia.  In the film Wolf Creek it states 30,000 people go missing in Australia every year.  In England taxes go missing every year on Kate's dresses.  If Kate and Wills did go backpacking in Australia, I wonder if he would have his crown jewells lopped off by an Aussie psychopath.

Shakespeare's birthday still being spoken of today, that is true fame.  He would probably be suited as a birthday card message writer today. 

St Georges day seems to be as celebrated as Hitlers birthday, i.e not much, by anyone.  I suppose if he was alive today his dragon slaying would have been a You Tube hit. Though animal rights campaigners would have preferred a more humane killing.  Halal dragon meat, could that have been a thing?

World Cup in Brazil coming up in June, nations fighting it out for the Jules Rimet trophy, Kanye West has his trophy wife.  The winners can look back on their tapes and bask.

London Mayor Boris Johnson to become mp, which means he may run for Prime Minister.  David Cameron says he wants his best striker on the pitch, not much good if he wont pass to you though.  No sports team wants a conservative goal tally either.

Beckham went on the Chinese voice, if they'd judged Posh Spices singing harshly, he would have told them to swivel on it.  Their chairs I mean.

Green bile found in a chicken in the shop Morrisons.  I'm sure Id rather get Green Lantern from a Kinder egg.

Piers Morgan got the sack and so did Man United manager David Moyes. Moyes should have heeded the warnings of his swimming pool lifeguard who told him he was out of his depth. One sour Scot and one pompous Englishman go in to a pub, Moyes drink was of course on the rocks, and Morgan began chatting to the barmaid but was told, I don't want your life story.