Saturday, February 03, 2007

Read This First!

j1 Oh 'Letter
B L One Letter - O G - Flash n Trash S

Hello, my readers, again I really want to thank both of you. I've had some interesting interviews on my blog, some saucy, some funny, always interesting. People have described their philosophies, their own favorite personal stories, and it has been a real eye opener. Not just people though, no no no, also a Zombie interview, even an interview with Jesus H. Christ. I've also answered peoples questions to me, sometimes blunt, sometimes witty. There is some thought provoking material on this blog. I'd encourage people to leave a comment, if you enjoy something that's written, or have something to say. It's always nice for everyone.

In this 'comedy' post I've taken a look at what's going on in the world so you don't have to, it's very nearly the definitive news source of our day. And I'm sticking by that. At this point I want to thank the former Iraq information minister, and OJ Simpson's lawyer for putting up a good defense for me.

So in some real hard hitting news, Pop Princess Kylie Minogue has split from her boyfriend after he was spotted with an Israeli model, and Lost star Michelle Rodriguez. Kylie currently in Britain was obviously not amused, that her relationship had been usurped by a Castaway. Life's a beach.

English soccer star Wayne Rooney has been voted the most ugly sports star, thus Shrek Rooney was born. And he does hang round with a donkey, well any defender who comes up against him is made to look like an ass. Also making up the top 10 was Brazilian Ronaldhino, maybe they should do a cartoon, Bugs Bunny and Shrek.

Milkman Charlie Harris has retired after 45 years and delivering 7 million pints. It's alleged he didn't have the bottle any more.

A pensioner has won 9.6 million on a slot machine. That's a lot of coins to come back. Probably fill the whole casino. Makes you want to try your luck, though I figure most gamblers use those buckets to catch their tears.

An £8 billion bid is being touted for British food store Sainsbury's. You could try paying at the checkout, but not at the 8 items or less queue. You could rack up some loyalty points buying Sainsbury's! I'm sure if you went to pay at the kiosk, a tannoy announcement would have to be made. A deal breaker could be, "Can I have a bag with that?"

A petrol station has been setup in the USA, called Terror Free Oil. I never found oil that scary. They shun oil resources from countries they believe are supporting terrorism. It is reported they have had a slow start not least because a local rival have dropped their prices, so I suppose that shows customers find the prices most scary. They should perhaps expand their business into terror free dentistry and fairground rides.

A former secretary at Coca-Cola has been found guilty of trying to sell on secret documents to rival firm Pepsi, for a minimum of £1.5 million. This isn't the same as just stealing Grandma's recipe. Joya Williams may now get 10 years to taste test life in the can. I might give her a ring, to see if I can pull her out.

A UK government minister has advised people should step in or cause a distraction when a crime is happening, while waiting for the police. I suppose in England you could ask the getaway driver to stop by for a cup of tea, or the murderer to use the bathroom to get cleaned up. Ask him why the stripy black and white top, and swag bag went out of fashion. Someone in trouble should be helped for sure, though it's not always a good idea to take the law into your own hands.

The cargo ship Napoli which sprouted holes, and then cargo drifted in land, has been an early Christmas present for the people in Devon. It should have been called the Bounty. Freeloading motorbikes, Nappi's all kinds of random stuff. They are committing no offence if they report what they find to the Receiver Of Wreck. Who I imagine is called Captain Jack Sparrow. There is a new movie coming out, Pirates Of The English Peninsular, The Curse Of The Stolen Blackberry PDA's, BMW's, Oh And Black Pearl. So that's good news for all those that lifted hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of bikes just to report it.

Billionaire media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch has given out $100 million to each of his six children. That's some allowance, certainly would put a smile on your face when you look at your bank account. I wonder what kind of overdraft you'd get with that. I suppose he'd advise them not to spend it all at once. They could afford their own place now, or even daddy's Myspace.

Tony Blair has been interviewed for a second time over the cash for honors (knighthoods) scandal. I guess if you are the cop interviewing, it's like your big break. They could try and break him or go with the softly softly approach. The hard questioning would go like,
#Tough Cop "Now Tony, we all know your words aren't exactly the Gospel truth, for you are a politician, tell us why you were giving out knighthoods willy nilly". "For the purpose of the tape, Mr Bliar is grinning."
#Tony Blair "Lord knows! That's not the question, the question is why Saddam was an evil dictator and had to be removed"
#Tough Cop "That wasn't my question, is there a cover up of this scandal in Downing Street, Mr Blair?"
#Tony Blair "There is a scandal every 45 minutes, which one are you referring to?"
#Tough Cop "Just one more thing"
#Tony Blair "What?"
#Tough Cop "Nothing, I just always wanted to say that."

Ah the British justice system at it's best, with a hint of Columbo.