Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas Random Comedy Ramblings

Christmas has come around again. Carol singers are out in force, shoppers are in a mad rush, and Santa's elves are working their socks off.

A spokeswoman for UK Shopping Mall, Bluewater has said: "There are so many men, hunting in packs or on their own, definitely looking a bit panicked or stressed out. It's hilarious," she said.

Yes I guess it would be to all those women who brought their presents in the last January sale. She makes it sound like those veloceraptors hunting Sam Neil in Jurassic Park, well we prefer to hunt than shop I guess. Men just don't enjoy shopping and I'm one of them. (picture

More people say Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings nowadays to be politically correct. Christmas is actually quite political, the cards you send to people, the presents you buy. Scientists say people will send out up to 150 cards, and if we go back to our ancestors, we have no more or less friends than they had. Business's today recommend that when a business gets bigger than 200 people you need a management structure, or rivalries build up. We are more advanced than apes because they communicate by grooming, and we gossip. Well what about the Chimps tea party? And that orangutan in 'Every Which Way But Loose' must have had a lot of celebrity friends and hangers on(literally). What about Cheetah, Beethoven, Lassie, and Flipper they had millions of fans.

The worlds tallest living man, Bao Xishun, made a name for himself this year for another reason. He saved two dolphins lives, who had plastic lodged in their stomachs. Maybe he could move on from dolphins and try and extract things from humans. A brain from George Bush, an Alien from Tom Cruise, and something human from a plastic Pamela Anderson. His long arms make him like the human equivalent of kids toy Stretch Armstrong, England could have done with his stretchy arms in the cricket, before getting a Christmas stuffing by the Aussies. I guess a long sleeve shirt for me would be short sleeve for him, he could borrow my clothes in the summer. And he must need more than one seat on aeroplanes, or always have to take the aisle seat. Clown shoes must be ideal. And he can rule out bowling. Or a Smart car. Or most of the rides at Disneyland. Or a guided tour of Bilbo Baggins home.

In the world of robots, a robotic seal has been created in Japan, to keep the aging population in company. Apparently it responds to petting, it has sensors between its fur and whiskers. The S&M version comes with a club. Also a robotic feeding arms has been created. A new study done by the UK government, has looked 50 years into the future. The paper titled 'Utopian Dream Or Rise Of The Machines', looks at artificial intelligence and the impact this may have on laws and politics in terms of robot rights. So it looks like James Cameron's Terminator film is not such a far fetched concept. For now though there is still the novelty of a robot bringing you a beer, or hoovering for you. But what happens when they question your judgement when you say, "you missed a bit", or take you to court for keeping them as slaves when you try to resell one on eBay.

At Christmas people sometimes buy pets for their loved ones. Unfortunately they are not all looked after. In England and Wales the most abused pet is the Rabbit, yes the fluffy variety, not the robotic... With 35, 000 rabbits abandoned every year, I guess once they've been domesticised it's not possible for them to thrive in the wild. Though I dare say if you let a Playboy bunny out into the marshland, she might struggle to survive. Losing her high heels in the mud, at least rabbits know the sensible thing to do with carrots is eat them.

Muhammed Yunus, a banker from India won the Nobel Peace Prize this year for a system of loans he designed to help the poor. So a loan shark has won the prize. And now Bono has received an honorary knighthood from the Queen, for his humanitarian work. I wonder what the queen does buy for people at Christmas time, pherhaps a podcast of her annual speech.

Fog has delayed flights in and out of the UK. Let's hope Santa will be okay. He might need flood lights on his sleigh, though if the reindeer have been eating carrotts they should be able to see better. Maybe Santa has been using Sat Nav all these years and that's how he gets every where so quick. The millions of letters Santa has to go through and now emails must do his nut. That reminds me, what stays in a corner and travels the world? A stamp.

A British newspaper sent out chef Gordon Ramsey to Afghanistan to cook a Christmas meal for the troops. So that's like Hells Kitchen on hell on Earth. I wonder if he did soldiers(strips of toast) for them with their egg. Maybe some snail shells rather than bullet shells. Though the when the crackers bang it might bring on shell shock. I reckon Ramsey would be a good army cook, he'd be like "On my command, unleash hell, oh and a side serving of taramasalata with parsnip". They say revenge is a dish best served cold.

More Random Comedy Ramblings Soon!

Merry Christmas
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