Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Hello Intelligent Reader! Stop Scrolling!




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A Website, Bill Gates, and Angelina Jolie

This site I found allows you to donate food to the poor simply by clicking!http://thehungersite.com/

Its got to be good karma right, and the best thing is it doesn't cost you a penny! You can only click once a day, so might as well click your joints if you must click more. Though you shouldn't really do that at all. At least not in polite company or on national TV.


I heard a statistic that 50% of the worlds wealth is owned by 1% of the population or something crazy like that. Charity begins at home they say, that's if your lucky enough to have a home.

Theres that thing where they say it wouldn't be worth a rich mans while, lets say Bill Gates, to pick up a dollar if he dropped it. But surely he could get a fine for littering, that would damage his reputation, and send Microsoft's shares tumbling. Theres a lesson for you if you ever drop a dollar bill, Bill! And you heard it here first.

Wonder if hes counting his money now, or perhaps hes developing program, maybe hes emptying out his virtual trash can. If he had told his wife what he'd be doing with his life when they first met, i.e. selling windows, helping people empty their trash cans, she might have thought twice. Maybe hes playing with his gadgets, the Xbox 360 maybe, c'mon someone has to be playing that machine. Anyone?

It would be great to be on a famous persons email list then they fwd you funnies that have been around the Hollywood jet sets in box's. Roman Abramovich would give you as many forwards as you want, ask Chelsea Manager Jose Mourinho. Angolina Jolie @ google.com or is it femailtogoggle@. Wouldn't want Ann Robinson's email she'd give you the weakest links.

The new film 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan' looks good. Speaking of Kazakhstan, Anousheh Ansari, the first female paying space tourist landed back there after a 10 day trip at the cost of $20 million. She must like roller coaster rides because G-forces must have been incredible. I mean what do you get for your money, a great view, and being stuck in a tin can with a cosmonaut and astronaut and Jason and the Argonauts.

Although after spending $20 million Id be determined to have a good time, no matter who I was with. Also the feeling of weightlessness, must be because she doesn't have any change left in her pockets now. Wonder if she was disappointed there weren't any shops up there. Imagine the view once you get up there, Earth, the stars, the depleting ozone layer, and Bill Gates house.

British TV personality Noel Edmonds, host of Deal Or No Deal told this week how he drove at 186mph in his Ford GT40 years ago, and nearly crashed at a round about. Russel Crowe was annoyed at suggestions for him to play Steve Irwin in a movie of his life. He could play Noel Edmonds but I think that would be No Deal as well.

Talking about people talking tall, footballer, Peter Crouch's home was ransacked this week while he was playing for Liverpool in the Champions League. So look out for anyone with shorts reaching to their ankles and clown size shoes. TV host Des Lynam is quitting daily quiz show, Countdown at the end of this year. Rumour was he couldn't live up to Richard 'twice nightly' Whitely, and the only figures he could cope with was co host Carol Vordermans.

Mick Jagger and Jack Nicholson were pictured at a party this week. Perhaps they were sharing tips on the ladies, or illegitimate children, maybe Mick said I cant get no satisfaction, and Jack said here's a Jonny. After they went to Chinatown, maybe they went on to dancing in the street. Maybe when Jack put brown sugar in his tea Mick said your a joker!

If MTV Cribs featured George W. Bush's book shelf it would probably feature The Green Cross Code rather than the Da Vinci Code, and How to train your poodle. Maybe also The Dummys Guide To Running A Democracy. In Saddam Hussein's house they might find How To Lose Friends And Annihilate People.

Till the next time, beam me up bloggy!

Sponge Bob, Tony Blair, and James Bond

So apparently people are killing stingrays in revenge for Steve Irwin. Strewth! I hardly think Steve would approve of that behaviour. I mean he always let the crocodiles go free. The Crocs were never quite the same again though, star struck by Irwin.

Its like the story about the Squirrel Monkey, Sponge Bob escaped recently and was recaptured, his fellow monkeys wont accept him back. Maybe they thought it was a bit crowded on the swinging tyre anyway. You'd think that he'd come back and be the toast of the town with all the stories he could tell about life outside the cage. Maybe he had been aping the delinquents on the Housing Estate he was found on. He came back throwing crap, biting people, picking flees, grooming, it was just unacceptable to his shocked monkey friends. Maybe they also disapproved of him taking part in those PG Tips Tea adverts dressed in a mumu. So respect goes out to Steve Irwin, he had a good character and seems like as stereotypical an Aussie as you could imagine.

And Michael Caine must be one of the most stereotypical Cockneys, you can imagine. Anyone see Jaws Revenge with Michael Caine, that film was ridiculous, but like most of the movies Caine is in, he is the best thing about them. He has a new film called The Prestige, with Christian Bale, Scarlet Johanson and the director of Batman Begins, Christopher Nolan. Its about 2 rival magicians, also in the film is David Bowie, should be interesting. Michael Caine, born Maurice Mickelwhite, is one of the few British screen legends.

Speaking of legends, Martin Scorsese has a new film coming out soon called The Departed, starring Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Martin Sheen, Ray Winston. So all in all just about as good a cast as you can get.

So we've past the anniversary of 911, 5 years on, a terrible event in history. Also alarming for me was a headline millions starving in Afghanistan.

Blair travels a lot try to solve the worlds problems, I guess he sees himself as bit of a showman, or a great persuader, probably his real strength. He would have been a good car salesman, he could throw in car mats and a road map to peace. Charles Kennedy former Lib Dem leader would have been a good mechanic, he knows what its like when piston broke, and he'd charge extra for Labour.

Blair travelled to Palestine the other day, hes the only guy who flies out there to get away from his troubles. And Gordon Brown crying on TV, well its his party and he'll cry if he wants too!

And heres a totally random movie trailer, for the new Bond film, Casino Royale, Let us know what you think! I think it rocks!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Zidane, Larry David, and Tipping

So Michael Schumacher has announced his retirement from racing. Well it will give someone else a chance, only way Jenson Button can get points is by speeding on the motorway. So theyll be none of this whens he stepping down malarkey that has ghosted Tony Blairs leadership.

When you think that the car is a very important factor, how much credit can you give the driver though really. The machine is useless without a man, and a man is useless without the machine. Though apparently you do need to be fit to drive these super fast cars, especially in the neck muscles. Zinedine Zidanes new career maybe?

Another favourite TV programme is Curb Your Enthusiasm starring Larry David as himself, each episode a masterpiece in comedy storytelling and timing. A must watch. Am I the only one who watches this? I share Larrys reluctance in tipping, in the UK its not required by law, but it is expected. Even if I get exceptional service, I don't want to tip, theres just too many people willing to take your money and we give it over with a smile. I'm like I earned that, that's 30 mins work for me and all you really did was ask if my food was okay. Do you tip?

So whats going on with Blair and Brown, Blairs announced he will stand down within a year, this is a far cry form Arnold Szwarzeneggers rally cry of, four more years!, at the last election. Maybe there should be a pop idol style face off between Brown and Blair for the publics vote, don't think viewers would be that enthralled. Dour Brown or Smarmy Blair, great choice! The doors wide open at No.10 for Conservative David Cameron, and the revolving doors with Blairs ministers leaving are spinning around wildly.


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Leave a post, Hells Kitchen, and Donald Trump

Yes by replying to this you will be the first and quite possibly last post! Don't be shy, just reply! So far the postman's only knocked twice, so to speak. Your comments make the site come to life.

I saw Hells Kitchen USA, I would have thought Chef Ramsey would have been to rude to make the crossover to American TV. But I guess being a foul mouthed chef is socially acceptable anyway, it is kind of expected. I don't know what it is with British Celebrities at the moment, Simon Cowell, Ann Robinson, Gordon Ramsey, George Galloway. Put them in a room and watch the fireworks. What must other countries think of us now?

I love the programme 24, 5th series and still going strong. Jack Bauers had more bad days than Donald Trumps had bad hair days. Though both are losing believability, especially Donald's 'hair'. Its most fascinating when he steps off one of his helicopters. I wonder if he uses glue. If you don't have to worry about money the world must look slightly different, without almost everything has a cost. Trump can look through an Ikea catalogue, and buy whatever he wants, he could buy IKEA, bet hes never assembled a cupboard from a flat pack. Talking of cabinets, UK cabinet minister John Prescott, not much good at DIY either, one screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Does Jennifer Lopez aka jenny from the block, know what a screwdriver is, or a mop, or a tea towel, oven gloves, garden rake or a HMV coupon. Bet she has a home cinema, or she could just hire out actors and bands to perform for her, buy an island etc. Why do people buy Islands, ok firstly I guess theres no council tax, but who's going to collect the rubbish. Richard Branson brought one of the Virgin Islands I believe, whats wrong with something closer to home, Isle Of Wight, off the coast of Britain maybe. Guess the weathers not that hot! He likes his ballooning as well, well he is full of hot air.

Hes a great entrepreneur, and his latest venture is flights into space, going at around £100,000 a ticket. Sigourney weaver has already signed up, but bizarrely 75 year old William Shatner has initially turned down a free ticket, saying that he wants guarantees of safety and to be paid to go, so I read. Isn't it insurance enough that Sigourney Weaver aka Ripley is on the plane named SS Enterprise with him. He should remember no one can hear you scream in space. Would you go on the maiden trip?














Blogging off for now, captains blog no6.

Crank, Broccoli, and Larry David














Good Morning. Some things are inevitable. Waking up late on Sunday is one thing, Roger Federer beating Andy Roddick in today's US Open Final is another.

I see that film Crank is doing good business, I like the look of the trailer, Jason Statham injected with a toxin that will kill him if he doesn't keep his blood pressure up. A bit like the movie Speed, but Jason Statham is not a bus, and I don't think he would explode. There are many things you could do, answering any question past £1000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, singing on Pop Idol, going for a paternity test, driving in India using your mobile at the same time, go to the Dentist on Friday 13th at 230pm(tooth hurty), going out with Kelly Brooke etc. Actually after Statham went out with Kelly, this might be his rebound movie. They should call the toxin Gordonramseyoxin.

It wouldn't have worked on the 'hairdryer', Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson, I reckon his blood pressure is always up. What was all that about Wayne Rooney not being able to sleep without the hairdryer turned on. Could go on, but I wont! I guess famous people are renowned for there sleeping rituals. And what about that guy Jack Bauer from 24 doesn't he ever sleep, I guess that doesn't make good television.

Saw the new Bond trailer, Casino Royale, impressive stuff, Daniel Craig looks the part but then so do I, and at least I can drive a manual Aston Martin, looked over once again! I'd get the Bond producers Barbera Broccoli and E. Coli in a stew.

So Michael Schumacher has announced his retirement from racing. Well it will give someone else a chance, only way Jenson Button can get points is by speeding on the motorway. So they'll be none of this whens he stepping down malarkey that has ghosted Tony Blairs leadership. When you think that the car is a very important factor, how much credit can you give the driver though really. The machine is useless without a man, and a man is useless without the machine. Though apparently you do need to be fit to drive these super fast cars, especially in the neck muscles. Zinedine Zidanes new career maybe?

Another favourite TV programme is Curb Your Enthusiasm starring Larry David as himself, each episode a masterpiece in comedy storytelling and timing. A must watch. Am I the only one who watches this? I share Larrys reluctance in tipping, in the UK its not required by law, but it is expected. Even if I get exceptional service, I don't want to tip, theres just too many people willing to take your money and we give it over with a smile. Im like I earned that, that's 30 minutes work for me, and all you really did was ask if my food was okay. Do you tip?

So whats going on with Blair and Brown, Blairs announced he will stand down within a year, this is a far cry form Arnold Szwarzeneggers rally cry of, four more years!, at the last election. Maybe there should be a pop idol style face off between Brown and Blair for the publics vote, don't think viewers would be that enthralled. Dour Brown or Smarmy Blair, great choice!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Welcome to your Comedy Home!

Hi my name is Mr Joe Blogs. Please enjoy my site and come back for regular updates.
Welcome to your Comedy Home!