Monday, December 11, 2006

Dear Agony Uncle Joe Blogs...

Dear Agony Uncle Joe Blogs #1 :
Yesterday, this terrible problem happened again. There is this single lady at church that always shows up about 10 minutes after the service has started. She always roars right up to one of the front pews with her two (not-well-behaved) children in tow.

Now, keep in mind that I don't even know her name. We've never met. But I do know her because of the disruption that she and her children cause.

You see, we're just about to do the opening prayer and such when her unruly children start their weekly tromp back and forth inside of their pew.....wooden floors, wouldn't you know. They stomp, swing, jump, pound, and yell. And it's just about this same time that I'm ready to do the very same thing! Suddenly, I don't feel so much like a church-going dude any longer. I'm just about to turn into a raging lunatic or a brahma bull ready to buck off my rider. What's a good upstanding (quiet) churchgoer to do? I need help!


Agony Uncle Joe Blogs Replies

Don’t be so childish Lewis. This lady has her hands full looking after her kids, without another one piping up. You could always pray that this lady will arrive at church on time. Not at some ungodly hour.

You say you don’t even know her name, yet you go to the same church! Make her acquaintance to see how uncouth she is in person. You say you are about to turn into a raging lunatic, doesn’t take much to incur your wrath then. Have some grapes of wrath. You sound like David Banner from the Incredible Hulk.

This is a little like when kids annoy you on an aeroplane kicking your seat, or constantly are asking questions in the cinema. You must have patience. Don’t make a scene in the church, the nativity play is quite enough. We don’t want Jerry Springer antics in the house of God.

So what should an upstanding (quiet) churchgoer do? First sit down, and then read a psalm from Dr Phil, Verse 10, ‘How To Remain As Quiet As A Church Mouse’. This is a test of your wills and also don’t forget to say grace. Wills and Grace, don’t forget.

Dear Agony Uncle Joe Blogs #2

Alright Mr Joe Blogs, I've got an issue that requires your attention. I have bad breath, but I am allergic to gum and breath mints. What should I do?

Nate Smith

Agony Uncle Joe Blogs Replies

Oh dear! Your issue is far more serious than I think you realise. Think of the social implications, friends moving a step away, potential employers being put off you.

One advantage is you will have more space created for you on public transport.

Bad breath is a sign of a bad diet. The smell comes from your guts. I always hated your guts by the way! You need to drink healthy cranberry smoothies with wheatgrass, no other diet will suffice.

You need to use an electric toothbrush on your tongue twice a day. Or you can just use a gas mask, and have some handy to supply to your friends. If you have a dog, blame it on the dog. So you are allergic to gum and breath mints, what an odd combination. You should also enter yourself for scientific tests. Unfortunately I feel you will be allergic to my advice as it is worth a mint.

Dear Agony Uncle Joe Blogs #3

Dear Uncle Joe Blogs, Please can I take this opportunity to ask you for advice? I’ve never posted this sort of thing on a blog before but I guess you might be able to help me out of a bit of a moral predicament. It was recently my birthday and my family bought me a second hand nail gun on eBay thinking it might help me finish building a new shed and complete the patio decking before winter really sets in. I’ve been putting the job off for weeks on account of my weak wrists and the nail gun proved to be the perfect gift.

During my first day, I managed to erect the shed and nail down twelve feet of quality pinewood slats. On the second day, I managed another twelve feet but, in the process, accidentally nailed my neighbour’s cat to the shed. I believe it was a painless death. Neither my family nor I can now pluck up the courage to pluck the cat from the shed. It’s now been hanging there for a week and though the wheelie bin is hiding it from view, the cat is beginning to attract flies.

My neighbour is also getting increasingly worried about her little ‘Tinkle’ and has started to post leaflets around the neighbourhood offering a two hundred pound reward for his return.

As you can imagine, I am stuck with three difficult decisions to make.Do I tell her that her cat is currently nailed to our shed? Could I legally claim the reward? What colour should I paint the shed?

Agony Uncle Joe Blogs Replies

Well David, I'm not going to sit on the fence on this one. Not least because you'd probably attach me to it. You were a silly man David, you should be struck of from using any kind of household appliances, and put on the DIY offenders list.

The cats been hanging there for a week like some kind of crucifix. Your neighbour will be cross.
Was the reward of £200 for the cat, a dead or alive poster, if its the former you may have missed the boat. So the cat is hidden from view behind the wheelie bin, I propose you put the cat in the bin, though you do give a new meaning to cat litter.

You say you have 3 problems, well they say a problem shared is a problem halved. So you only have one and a half problems. You should paint a mural of Tinkle on the shed, to honour the cat. And once you have finished your patio, you can offer to do the neighbours free of charge. Let's hope you don't have mural dyslexia next time, because you can't see the writing on the wall. That will be all, till next time...

Dear Agony Uncle Joe Blogs #4

Agony Uncle Joe Blogs Replies

You'd have trouble trade marking your bald head. You say "That's my look.", what about the bald eagle for starters. You remind me of when Donald Trump tried to trade mark the saying, "Your Fired!". It aint likely to happen. You should welcome Britney with open arms, Patrick Stewart, Sean Connery, Andre Agassi, and the rest, though you might cause alarm at an English football ground, or a peaceful rally if you hang out together. Rosie O'Donnell bald, what a view.

-Email Uncle Joe if you have any problem or query