Sunday, April 08, 2007

The Best Of Joe Blogs

Here is a recap of my writing over the last few months. Enjoy.

Did you hear about the story of the Squirrel Monkey, Sponge Bob. He escaped recently and was recaptured, his fellow monkeys won't accept him back. Maybe they thought it was a bit crowded on the swinging tyre anyway.

You'd think that he'd come back and be the toast of the town with all the stories he could tell about life outside the cage. Maybe he had been aping the delinquents on the Housing Estate he was found on. He came back throwing crap, biting people, picking flees, grooming, it was just unacceptable to his shocked monkey friends.

Bill Gates, I wonder if hes counting his money now, or perhaps hes developing program, maybe hes emptying out his virtual trash can. If he had told his wife what he'd be doing with his life when they first met, i.e. selling windows, helping people empty their trash cans, she might have thought twice.

If MTV Cribs featured George W. Bush's book shelf it would probably feature The Green Cross Code rather than the Da Vinci Code, and How to train your poodle. Maybe also The Dummys Guide To Running A Democracy. In Saddam Hussein's house they might find How To Lose Friends And Annihilate People.

Bush and Blair talked about standing shoulder to shoulder. Bush has come out saying the USA doesn't condone torture, which is good. He has also come out saying he sometimes uses 'the Google'. He has used the Google map to look at his ranch in Texas he says, probably also local Krispy Kreme Donuts, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings,North Korea, etc. Good to know hes so advanced hes keeping an eye on things with 'the Google'.

I wonder if George Bush played Monopoly he'd go straight to disaster mode. I wonder if politicians ever get together and play Monopoly, probably, Tony is the poodle, Gordon Brown is the Banker, John Prescott gets the car, but hes not happy because he wants 2 Jags. Nelson Mandela has to wait ages before he gets his get out of jail free card. And then Robert Mugabe comes along and ruins the game by stealing all their houses.

Saddam Hussein has been hanged. I don’t agree with death penalty for anyone, but it drew my attention to a quote by Dr William Palmer, a British serial killer. Due to be hanged at the gallows his last words were, “Are you sure this thing is safe”.

UK prison space is in crisis apparently. We need more cages, millet, cuttle fish, and swings. Maybe we could also let them out to fly, Business class to the Bahamas perhaps. In Australia they have enrolled inmates on crocodile handling courses, as a way of rehabilitating inmates. Now we know where those crocodile handbags and shoes are coming from, a croc farm in Australia. They had just gotten over Roger Moore jumping on them in that Bond film. So now they've got more problems with people who are no longer Saints. Maybe the crocs should get rehabilitation while being held down on a couch. Would say retail therapy, but those croc leather wallets aren't going to help.

Grizzly Man, a documentary film on Alaskan Bears shows Timothy Treadwell close up with them as he lived for several summers. Until he met a grizzly end, after all those years he must have finally taken their porridge.

Madonna has adopted a child from Malawi. And theres a big hoo ha about this. That kid is definately going to be provided for in a material sense, and you would hope a caring way too. Although the fathers admission that he didn't know he was giving up his child for good is telling. Madonna might say to him Papa Dont Preach, where as he would say I'm Top Of The Pops. Maybe when the kid starts asking questions about the birds and the bees, Guy Ritchie can say to him, "Son watch this, it's called Snatch".

I brought some fair trade peanuts, does that mean the people who harvested the nuts are paid peanuts?

SUV's or 4x4 cars as they are known, are going to face a probable £25 congestion charge in London. For that amount of money, I'd want a trip through the Serengeti, or a monkey enclosure at the very least.

The worlds tallest living man, Bao Xishun, made a name for himself this year for another reason. He saved two dolphins lives, who had plastic lodged in their stomachs. Maybe he could move on from dolphins and try and extract things from humans. A brain from George Bush, an Alien from Tom Cruise, and something human from a plastic Pamela Anderson.

In the world of robots, a robotic seal has been created in Japan, to keep the aging population in company. Apparently it responds to petting, it has sensors between its fur and whiskers. The S&M version comes with a club.

US Food Regulator FDA has stated that cloned cattle, pigs, and goats produce food, “as safe as the food we eat every day”. This isn't so new though, McDonalds have been doing double cheeseburgers for a long time.

Momofoku Ando who invented dried noodle snacks, has died aged 96. Like the added water, he lived life to the maximum level. Despite an unfortunate name, that often got him into hot water, it is estimated there were 250 billion servings of his noodles.

I saw a headline recently saying, ‘UK rail chief tells commuters they must stand’. That’s a bit rich, I mean for how long, and if pregnant, old, etc, what then. I don’t think commuters will stand for this. The rail chief says you shouldn't expect seats during peak periods, well not surprisingly we don’t anyway. Fair enough I learned my lesson before, that I shouldn't expect platform nine and three quarters at Kings Cross station. But next he’ll be coming out saying commuters shouldn't expect trains.

Speaking of the monarchy, a British Historian Sarah Poynting, has discovered a secret code in a love letter written by Charles I. The letter was written in 1648, while Charles was imprisoned in Carisbrooke castle. The message he encrypted, was “I imagine that there is one way possible that you may get a swiving from me.” The word swiving was a word used for sex in the 17th century. So the findings aren’t exactly the holy grail, but it shows the King liked to have swiving good time.

A former secretary at Coca-Cola has been found guilty of trying to sell on secret documents to rival firm Pepsi, for a minimum of £1.5 million. This isn't the same as just stealing Grandma's recipe. Joya Williams may now get 10 years to taste test life in the can. I might give her a ring, to see if I can pull her out.

Milkman Charlie Harris has retired after 45 years and delivering 7 million pints. It's alleged he didn't have the bottle any more.

An £8 billion bid is being touted for British food store Sainsbury's. You could try paying at the checkout, but not at the 8 items or less queue. You could rack up some loyalty points buying Sainsbury's! I'm sure if you went to pay at the kiosk, a tannoy announcement would have to be made. A deal breaker could be, "Can I have a bag with that?"

A Nasa Astronaut, Lisa Nowak drove 900 miles in a nappy to interrogate a love rival. She told cops she wore a nappy so she wouldn’t have to stop, wearing a nappy is normal for astronauts on long journeys. She sprayed pepper spray in her rivals face, before the victim sped off. She had latex gloves and a gun, she certainly wasn’t going 900 miles to Florida to pamper her.

Crossing the road listening to an iPod is set to become a criminal act. Listening to James Blunt could get you a £50 fine and a date in court. Some might say that's reasonable for listening to Blunt. It's common sense that you pay attention when crossing the road. But if you don't you could be shackled and have to shuffle into a police van. At least the life sentence for the battery won't be very long at all.

Judi Dench nominated for an Oscar this year won't be able to make the Oscars because of a knee operation. She could also win best supporting knee. I imagine she will go to a private hospital where they specialise in treating chocolate. When her twin sister visits, they will have to care for M&M. Bond could come and visit, M likes a double agent, though in a British hospital she'd be better off with a cleaning agent. Maybe they could do a satellite broadcast from Judy's hospital bed. And at the end pull the curtains round.

In the news, North Korea is to end it's nuclear programme, I never saw it was it any good? I prefer 24, or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. It's a shame because I've never seen North Korean television. Though I heard it was explosive TV, and Sienna Miller was in it, The Factory Girl. I couldn't believe it when I saw that 6 nations had gathered round at a summit to discuss the programme. Why don't they start a book club as well?

I think I know the reason for Britney’s recent madness. I saw a headline ‘Chimpanzees Hunt Using Spears’. It is not known if she has any choice.

Helen Mirren won the best actress Oscar. It's no surprise with all the promotional material I've seen. They must have spent millions promoting the movie, every time I pay for something in the shop, or post a letter. It's in your face. I don't like this aggressive marketing, in fact all I can think about is the Queen movie. Forest Whittaker won best actor but you don't see stamps and mugs with his face on do you?

Thanks for reading.