Monday, April 02, 2007

Joe Blog's Interview #102 A Major Interview

Name : Twenty Major
Age : 35-90
Location : Dublin
Vocation : Enthusiastic drinker and smoker
Philosophy : Don't pick it, it'll never heal.

Sum up what your blog is about.
It's about general stuff and possibly some made up stuff with some 80's pop music references as often as I can get away with them. It features a regular cast of characters who all meet in a bar and get drunk together. If you like graphic descriptions of bodily functions then you'll probably like it.

Why are you doing your blog?
Because it amuses me and provides me with an outlet for some of the stuff in my brain which would probably come out in other ways if I didn't blog. Perhaps in song or by painting or perhaps by horrendous acts of self-harm or violence. Blogging keeps society safe. I really have no singing voice to speak of.

What's the funniest entry on your site?
This one - New York Diary - seems to be many people's favourite, but if I had to choose I'd go with this - Malachy Wong. There are plenty of others but different things make me laugh on different days. One day it could be something as simple as seeing someone fall off a ladder and break their back, another day it's something much more lighthearted like a train crashing into a school full.

What is your writing style?
Don't know, really. I suppose regular readers might recognise a particular style but really I just sit down and spew words out. I've never really thought about how or in what way I do it.

What do people commonly say about your site?
That it's possibly the most awesome site they've ever seen and that they want to have my babies and things. I suppose the most common comment would be 'If you don't like bad language then don't read this', but who doesn't like bad language? C**ts, that's who.

What would you be doing if you weren't doing your blog?
As I said above I would certainly be doing 'something else'. It would most likely involve sitting down and reading and/or drinking beer. Or wine. Or whiskey. Or rum. Nothing humanitarian though. That'd be a complete waste of everybody's time.

Why should someone visit your site?
They'll never know if it's good or shite until they do.

What did you learn from your first love?
That kissing the TV when Top of the Pops is on is not the same as kissing Debbie Harry in real life. Not that I've ever kissed her in real life but I can't imagine her face is made of glass with a cathode ray tube behind it.

Are there any blogs, you enjoy reading?
Yes, there are many. Most of the links are in my blog roll thing but to give you a few there's Fatmammycat, Scaryduck, and The Lung Brothers, who don't post nearly enough though.

How excited are you about your book deal?
Quite excited indeed. Apart from the bit about actually having to write a book. In terms of word count it's like doing 200 blog entries and making them all fit together and such is going to be a challenge. It'll keep me out of mischief though.

What constitutes a good night out for you?
Food, booze, good company, perhaps running over an orphan. But that's mostly for special nights. It'd be a bit repetitive if you did it every time you went out.

What are the best features of Dublin?
I suppose the people, the bars, the very good Guinness. We've become a lot more cosmopolitan these days, what with all the foreigners arriving and such. As the last outpost of Europe it's taken them ages to get here but now we've got all sorts and they bring their restaurants and stuff with them so there's good food too. Did you know we've got 100,000 Polish people here? That's a lot. If their influx keeps up Germany will invade Ireland first the next time they want to start a war.

Tell us about a good deed you have done recently.
I haven't done one.

Tell us a random funny story that comes to mind.
Once, during a rather chemically induced state in a nightclub, I turned around and had to rub my eyes when I saw what I thought was Dennis Hopper dancing behind me, he too rather off his face. I turned back the other way convinced I was seeing things. However, I had to turn around again and it was Dennis Hopper bouncing around to house music with some young lady. Not so much funny 'haha' but funny 'what the f**k?!'. He was wearing a cravat too.

Tell us about your life before this blog.
I was a shepherd. It's a hectic life. Most people don't realise that and sheep are the most annoying c**ts on earth apart from Latvians.

Any interesting travel stories?
A couple of weeks ago I flew to London and took the tube from Heathrow into Kings Cross station.

What's the most incredible thing that ever happened to you?
Whilst living in sunnier climes I grew four marijuana plants which got very tall and I discovered a family of pixies living there. They had built an amazing village, fully functional in every way, and shining gloriously with good magic and love and peace. It really was amazing. 'We mean you no harm', their leader said to me, 'and we ask only that we may stay here until you must harvest your plant'.'Fair enough', I said, awestruck at their world.I lied of course and killed the f***ers when they slept. Every last one of them. They might have damaged the buds.

Now it's your turn! Ask me one question, anything you like.

If you had to f**k one of Kelly Osbourne or Sharon Osbourne which one would it be and why?

Joe Blogs : Neither, Ozzy might bite my head off.

Your Site Address : Twenty Major